BERGGREEN'S LAWS CONCERNING COMMUNICATION:
1. If you try to call a BBS, no matter what hour, it is busy.
BERGGREEN'S LAWS CONCERNING COMMUNICATION:
2. When you have been downloading for more than an hour, a major
powerbreak will occur just as you are transferring the last bytes.
BERGGREEN'S LAWS CONCERNING COMMUNICATION:
3. If you are a sysop and want to use your machine, a 300-baud user will
call just as you are about to enter DOS.
3.1 His first choice will be to download something.
BERGGREEN'S LAWS CONCERNING COMMUNICATION:
4. If you forget to turn off the chat-function, someone will page you just
after you have fallen asleep.
BERGGREEN'S LAWS CONCERNING COMMUNICATION:
5. When you have called the most impossible and distant BBS's to avoid
him, you can be sure that Torkel Lodberg has left some smartass messages
there.
MURPHY'S LAWS
THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that
can go wrong, will.
MURPHY'S LAWS
2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that
will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
MURPHY'S LAWS
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
MURPHY'S LAWS
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
MURPHY'S LAWS
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
MURPHY'S LAWS
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
MURPHY'S LAWS
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
MURPHY'S LAWS
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
MURPHY'S LAWS
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
when it will occur.
MURPHY'S LAWS
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively
hostile to it.
MURPHY'S LAWS
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
MURPHY'S LAWS
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work,
the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
MURPHY'S LAWS
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
MURPHY'S LAWS
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
MURPHY'S LAWS
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus
errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in
the same direction.
MURPHY'S LAWS
16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
one person is involved.
16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed
if more than one person is involved.
MURPHY'S LAWS
17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the
final invoice.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
1. In any given price estimate, the cost of the equipment will exceed
estimated expenditure by a factor of 3.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
2. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms. For
example, velocity will be expressed in furlongs/fortnight.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
3. If the breadbox trial model functions perfectly, the finished product
will not percolate.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
4. In a mathematical calculation, any error that can creep in, will. It
will be in the direction that will do the most damage to
the calculation.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
5. In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, contain the errors.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
6. The probability of a dimension or value being omitted from a drawing
is directly proportional to its importance.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
7. In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
8. Information necessitating a change in design will be conveyed to the
designer after, and only after, the plans are complete.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
9. In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way vs. one obvious
wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to
expedite subsequent revisions.
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
10. The more innocuous a modification appears to be, the further its
influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
1. If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 components
available.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
2. Interchangeable parts won't.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
3. Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
4. The most delicate component will be dropped.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
5. The construction and operation manual will be discarded with the
packing material. The garbage truck will have picked it up
five minutes before the mad dash to the rubbish can.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
6. The necessity of making a major design change increases as the
assembly and wiring of the unit approach completion.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
7. THE LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITATION:
A dropped tool will land where it will do the most damage.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
8. A component selected at random from a group having a 99% reliability
will be a member of the 1% group.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
9. Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty
of assembly.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
10. The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need
for that component.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
11. If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available.
Furthermore, it cannot be developed with any series or parallel
combination.
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
12. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
1. Any wire cut to length will be too short.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
2. Milliammeters will be connected across the power source, voltmeters in
series with it.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
3. The probability of an error in the schematic is directly proportional
to the trouble it can cause.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
4. Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical
on the final test after being buried under other components and wiring.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
5. A self starting oscillator won't.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
6. A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency -- if it
oscillates at all.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
7. A p-n-p transistor will be found to be an n-p-n.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
8. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
9. If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
10. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
11. Probability of failure of a component is inversely proportional to the
ease of repair or replacement.
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
12. A KEY RULE OF STARFLEET OPERATIONS:
Some idiot has left open the number two impulse vent.(Check the position
of all switches, knobs, and dials before turning on a piece of
equipment. Both you and the equipment will live longer.)
LAWS CONCERNING TROUBLE SHOOTING:
1. After the 24th cabinet-to-chassis screw has been removed to replace the
under chassis fuse, it will be observed that the line cord plug has
become disengaged from the a.c. receptacle.
LAWS CONCERNING TROUBLE SHOOTING:
2. After the 24th cabinet-to-chassis screw has been replaced, the driver tube
will be found under the schematic on the bench.
LAWS CONCERNING TROUBLE SHOOTING:
3. The bleeder resistor will quit discharging the filter capacitors as the
operator reaches into the power supply enclosure.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
1.In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
2.Not until the program has been in production for at least six months will
the most harmful error be discovered.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
3.Any constants, limits, or timing formulas that appear in the
manufacturer's literature should be treated as variables.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
4.The most vital parameter in any subroutine stands the greatest chance of
being left out of the calling sequence.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
5.If only one compiler can be secured for a piece of hardware, the compil-
ation times will be exorbitant.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
6.If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will
malfunction.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
7.Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order
will be.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
8.Interchangeable tapes won't.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
9.If more than one person has programmed a malfunctioning routine, no one is
at fault.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
10.If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an
ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
11.Duplicated object decks which test in identical fashion will not give
identical results at remote sites.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
12.Manufacturer's hardware and software support ceases with payment for the
computer.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
13.At least one critical test tape will be lost, misplaced, destroyed, or
written over.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
14.What goes up must come down---and can be expected to do so in the middle
of your job.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
15.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
16.Any given program costs more and takes longer.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
17.If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
18.If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
PECK'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATES:
19.Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer
who must maintain it.
FINAGLE'S LAWS:
1. No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to
fake it.
FINAGLE'S LAWS:
2. No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret
it.
FINAGLE'S LAWS:
3. No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened
according to his pet theory.
FINAGLE'S CREED:
Science is Truth; don't be misled by facts.
FINAGLE'S COROLLARY
On a seasonally adjusted basis, there are only six months in a year.
IGGY'S RULE OF SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES
All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies
of them handy at all times.
THE FOUR LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.
4. THE LAW OF ENTROPY:
The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
ALLEN'S AXIOM
When all else fails, read the directions.
RULES OF THE LAB
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
RULES OF THE LAB
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way
each time.
RULES OF THE LAB
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
RULES OF THE LAB
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
RULES OF THE LAB
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
RULES OF THE LAB
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
RULES OF THE LAB
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
RULES OF THE LAB
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and
derive the question.
RULES OF THE LAB
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
RULES OF THE LAB
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
RULES OF THE LAB
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
RULES OF THE LAB
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
RULES OF THE LAB
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
RULES OF THE LAB
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use
can be made of it.^b(Law of Spontaneous Fission)^b
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
1. In any collection of data, the figures that most closely confirm the
theory are wrong.
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
2. No one you ask for help will see the mistakes either.
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
3. Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will see them
immediately.
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
4. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
5. An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data
must be discarded to agree with the theory.
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
6. No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can serve as a bad example.
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
7. Always leave room, when writing a report, to add an explanation if it
doesn't work (Rule of the Way Out).
CLARKE'S LAWS:
1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist says that something is
possible, he is almost certainly right. When he says it is impossible,
he is very probably wrong.
CLARKE'S LAWS:
2. The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond
them into the impossible.
CLARKE'S LAWS:
3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
THE NO HAIR THEOREM
Black holes have no hair.
GUNNERSEN'S LAW
The probability of a given event is inversely proportional to it's
desirability.
GLASSER'S COROLLARY
If, of the seven hours you spend at work, six hours and fifty-five
minutes are spent working at your desk, and the rest of the time
you throw the bull with your cubicle-mate, the time at which
your supervisor will walk in and ask what you're doing can be
determined to within five minutes.
WEILER'S LAW
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
Murphy was an optimist.
MESKIMEN'S LAW
There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
THE FIFTH RULE
You have taken yourself too seriously.
JONES'S LAW
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can
blame it on.
LAW OF COMMUNICATION
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between
different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of
misunderstanding.
LORD FALKLAND'S RULE
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make
a decision.
THE ARMY AXIOM
Any order that can be understood has been misunderstood.
SEVAREID'S LAW
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
JONES' MOTTO
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
MATSCH'S LAW
It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
ALLISON'S PRECEPT
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the
ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that
area.
McNAUGHTON'S RULE
Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being
expressed in a simple declarative statement that is obviously true once
stated.
KIRKLAND'S LAW
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
BECKER'S LAW
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPLE (The 357.73 Theory)
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible
by 5 or 10.
THE FIRST LAW OF OFFICE HOLDERS
Get re-elected.
THE NIXON PRINCIPLE
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
BELSKY'S COROLLARY
Never trust anyone who volunteers to assume authority.
WEIKER'S LAW
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
PARKINSON'S LAWS
1. Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
PARKINSON'S LAWS
2. The thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a
direct ratio with the time spent in its completion.
PARKINSON'S LAWS
3. Expenditures rise to meet income.
PARKINSON'S LAWS
4. If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy,
public or private, will find it.
PARKINSON'S LAWS
5. The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of
the amount of work to be done.
GUMMIDGE'S LAW
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of
statements understood by the general public.
FITZ-GIBBON'S LAW
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the
broth.
SHANAHAN'S LAW
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people
present.
RUDIN'S LAW
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of
action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
HAGERTY'S LAW
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, or
famous or both.
ROSS' LAW
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
ZYMURGY'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAWS
When it rains, it pours.
TOPPER'S COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
THE 14TH COROLLARY OF ATWOOD'S GENERAL LAW OF DYNAMIC NEGATIVES
No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly wanted to keep.
THE PETER PRINCIPLE
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, every employee
tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Every post tends to be
filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties.
PETER'S THEOREM
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
PETER'S INVERSION
Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
PETER'S PARADOX
Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their
colleagues.
PETER'S PLACEBO
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
JENKINSON'S LAW
It won't work.
PUDDER'S LAW
Anything that begins well ends badly.
LES MISERABLES METALAW
All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter.
OESER'S LAW
There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful position in an
organization to spend all his time serving on committees and signing
letters.
KITMAN'S LAW
Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary drivel.
DOW'S LAW
In a hierarchical organization, the higher level, the greater the
confusion.
SATTINGER'S LAW
It works better if you plug it in.
THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to
butter.
MALINOWSKI'S LAW
Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed
civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic.
THE HARVARD LAW
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn
well pleases.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
1. Think before you act; it's not your money.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
2. All good management is the expression of one great idea.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
3. No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
4. Cash in must exceed cash out.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
5. Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
6. Either an executive can do his job or he can't
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
7. If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't
do it.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
8. If you are doing something wrong, you will do it badly.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
9. If you are attempting the impossible you will fail.
VARIOUS TRUTHS OF MANAGEMENT
10. The easiest way to make money is to stop losing it.
PARETO'S LAW(The 20/80 Law)
20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the parts
account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
STURGEON'S LAW
90% of everything is bull.
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way you can recan them is to use a
larger can. (Old worms never die; they just worm their way into larger
cans.)
OSBORN'S LAW
Variables won't, constants aren't.
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
1. Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
2. The object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
3. The device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
4. In any human eneavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and
failed, there will be one solution, simple, obvious, and highly visible
to everyone else.
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
5. Badness comes in waves.
JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to
the vehicle's exact geographic center.
PUPIN'S LAW
The elevator is NEVER going in the direction you want to go.
CANADA BILL JOHNE'S MOTTO
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
CHEOP'S LAW
Nothing EVER gets built on schedule or within budget.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
Most 'scientists' are bottle washers and button sorters.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
vice versa.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning, while those other subjects require merely
scholarship.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts
often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely
they are to think so.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
Natural laws have no pity.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get.
FROM THE NOTEBOOKS OF LAZARUS LONG
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
THE GIGO LAW
Deductive logic is tautological; there is no way to get a new truth out of
it, and it manipulates false statements as readily as true ones. If you
fail to remember this, it can trip you --- with perfect logic. This is
known as 'Garbage In --- Garbage Out'.
Hofstadter's Law:
"It always takes longer than you expect, even when you
take Hofstadter's Law into account."
Morton's Law:
"If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer."
Epstein's Axiom:
"With extremely few exceptions, nothing is worth
the trouble."
Mathis' Rule:
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
Laura's Law:
"No child throws up in the bathroom."
"If there is a opinion, facts will be found to support it."
-- Judy Sproles.
"Rich folks get more strokes."
-- Greg Beil.
"If A = B and B = C, then A = C except where void or prohibited by law".
-- Roy Santoro.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
"It's on the other side."
-- Doug Preudhomme
"Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at
least once more." -- Tom Parkins
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
"(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
(3) There are two types of dirt:
the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light
kind, which is attracted to dark objects." -- Ely Slick
The two laws of Frisbee:
"(1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining
to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically
termed 'car suck');
(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than 'Watch this!'"
Sam Goldwyn's Law:
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."
Murray Gell-Mann's Law:
"Whatever isn't forbidden is required; thus, if there's no reason
why something shouldn't exist, then it must exist."
Mark Twain's Rule:
"Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
use the editorial 'we'."
"Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to
remain in bed." -- Dave Tewksbury
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
"The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to....to....."
-- Lane Hurewitz
Corry's Law:
"Paper is always strongest at the perforations."
-- Carolyn M. Corry
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MURPHYS LOV:
Hvis noget kan gå galt, så vil det gå galt.
MURPHYS ANDEN LOV:
Ting går først galt når det er virkelig vigtigt
at de ikke gør det.
MURPHYS KONSTANT:
Ting bliver beskadiget i et omfang der er direkte
proportionalt med deres værdi.
OTOOLES KOMMENTAR:
Murphy var optimist.
FINAGLES FØRSTE LOV:
Hvis et forsøg lykkes er der noget galt.
FINAGLES ANDEN LOV:
Uanset resultatet af et eksperiment vil der altid
være folk der ivrigt forsøger at:
(a) fejlfortolke det
(b) forfalske det
(c) tro det understøtter deres egen yndlingsteori.
FINAGLES TREDIE LOV:
I en given mængde data er det altid den værdi, der er
mest indlysende korrekt og som overhovedet ikke behø-
ver blive kontrolleret, der viser sig at være fejlen.
FINAGLES FJERDE LOV:
Når en opgave først er forkludret, vil alt hvad der
gøres for at redde den, blot gøre ting værre.
Det er en fejl at lade en mekanisk genstand finde ud af
at man har travlt.
Logik er et system, hvorved man man opnår tiltro til
sine forkerte konklusioner
Hvis man fortæller chefen at man kommer for sent fordi
man punkterede, punkterer man dagen efter.
KVANTIFICERET UDGAVE AF MURPHYS LOV:
Alting går galt samtidigt.
MURPHYS LOV OM RETTELSER:
Når en fejl først er fundet og rettet, viser den sig
at have været rigtig hele tiden.
FORVENTNINGERNES IKKE-RECIPROKKE LOV:
1. Negative forventninger afføder negative resultater.
2. Positive forventninger afføder negative resultater.
Man finder aldrig en bortkommet genstand før man har
genanskaffet den.
LOVEN OM UDSALG:
Ligegyldigt hvor længe man leder efter et godt tilbud på
en given vare, så kommer den på udsalg ugen efter at man
har købt den.
Hvis der ikke er nogen der bruger det, er der en grund.
MURPHYS TRANSPORT-LOV
Når det fly man er med er forsinket, er det fly man
skulle have skiftet til afgået til tiden.
Den anden kø bevæger sig altid hurtigere.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 1. LOV:
For et givet program gælder det, at når det først
virker, så er det forældet.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 2. LOV:
Et hvilketsomhelst givet program koster mere og
tager længere tid.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 3. LOV:
Hvis et program er nyttigt, skal det revideres.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 4. LOV:
Hvis et program er nytteløst, skal det dokumenteres.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 5. LOV:
Et givet program udvider sig til det fylder den til
rådighed stående hukommelse.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 6. LOV:
Værdien af et program er proportionalt med vægten
af den mængde udskrifter det frembringer.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 7. LOV.
Kompleksiteten af et givet program vokser indtil
den overstiger evnerne hos den programmør der
skal vedligeholde det.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 8. LOV:
Et givet ikke-trivielt program indeholder mindst
een fejl.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 9. LOV:
Der er uendeligt mange programmeringsfejl der ikke
kan findes, i modsætning til hvad der gælder for
for fejl der kan opdages - deres antal er pr. definition begrænset.
COMPUTER-PROGRAMMØRENS 10. LOV:
Hvis man sætter flere folk på et forsinket projekt,
vil det bevirke yderligere forsinkelser.
Byg et system som selv en idiot kan finde ud af at
bruge, og kun en idiot vil bruge det.
LOVEN OM SELEKTIV TYNGDEKRAFT:
En genstand falder altid således at den gør maksimal
skade.
TILFØJELSE TIL LOVEN OM SELEKTIV TYNGDEKRAFT:
Sandsynligheden for at brødet falder med smørsiden
nedad er direkte proportional med gulvtæppets værdi.
Hvis det sætter sig fast, så slå hårdere.
Hvis det går i stykker, skulle det alligevel
have været skiftet ud.
Hvis alt andet slår fejl, så læs instruktionsbogen.
Hvis kendsgerningerne ikke stemmer med teorien,
må de afvises.
Løsningen på et problem ændrer problemet.
Pas på det menneske, der arbejder hårdt for at
lære noget, lærer det og finder ud af at han eller
hun ikke er klogere end før. Vedkommende er fuld
af et morderisk had til de mennesker der er uvi-
dende uden at være kommet til deres uvidenhed på
den hårde måde. - Bokonon.
Hjælp et menneske i nød, og det vil huske dig
når det kommer i nød igen.
Hellere rig og rask end syg og fattig.
DEN GYLDNE REGEL:
Den der har guldet laver reglerne.
Kærlighed er et spørgsmål om kemi.
Sex er et spørgsmål om fysik.
Problemet med at modstå en fristelse er, at
den måske aldrig viser sig igen.
Livet er det der sker med en, mens man planlægger
andre ting.
REGEL OM MENNESKER #1
Der findes to slags mennesker i verden: dem der mener
at der er to slags mennesker i verden, og dem der
ikke mener det.
REGEL OM MENNESKER #1A
Der findes to slags mænd i verden: dem der er
under tøflen, og dem der ikke vil indrømme det.
PRÆCISIONS-REGLEN:
Når man arbejder henimod løsningen på et problem,
er det altid en hjælp at kende svaret.
Inden i ethvert lille problem er der et stort problem
der kæmper for at komme ud.
Gentag aldrig et vellykket eksperiment.
CLARKES FØRSTE LOV:
Når en ældre fremtrædende videnskabsmand siger
at noget er muligt har han næsten sikkert ret.
Hvis han siger at noget er umuligt, tager han
næsten helt sikkert fejl.
CLARKES TREDIE LOV:
En tilstrækkeligt udviklet teknologi kan ikke
skelnes fra magi.
Har du eet ur, ved du hvad klokken er.
Her du to ure, er du aldrig sikker.
Mænd og kvinder handler rationelt, når alle
andre muligheder er udtømte.
COLES AXIOM:
Summen af intelligens på denne planet er konstant.
Befolkningstallet er stigende.
Venner kommer og går, men fjender akkumulerer.
Mennesket falder af og til over sandheden, men for det
meste rejser det sig bare op og går videre. - Churchill.
Alle generelle regler er forkerte.
HVISKE-LOVEN:
Folk vil tro hvadsomhelst hvis man hvisker det.
Hvis du klipper dine negle vil du få brug for
dem en time senere.
LABORATORIE-ARBEJDETS FØRSTE REGEL:
Varmt glas kan ikke skelnes fra
koldt glas.
Det er menneskeligt at fejle, men det kræver en
computer at forkludre tingene totalt.
PØLSE-PRINCIPPET:
Folk der elsker pølser og har respekt for loven,
bør ikke se hvordan nogen af dem bliver til.
I enhver organisation er der en person der ved
hvad der foregår.
Denne person må fyres.
HAWKINS TEORI OM FREMSKRIDT:
Fremskridt består ikke i at erstatte en forkert
teori med en rigtig. Det består i at erstatte en
forkert teori med en der er forkert på en mere
uigennemskuelig måde.
Folk køber hvasomhelst som der kun er en af
til hver kunde.
Man skal aldrig programmere samtidig med man drikker øl.
Putter man vås ind i en computer, kommer der ikke an-
det ud igen end vås. Men dette vås har været igennem
en meget dyr maskine og er derved blevet forædlet. In-
gen tør herefter kritisere det.
En ulykke kommer skældent alene.
Løven og lammet skal ligge side om side
- men lammet får ikke megen søvn.
LOVEN OM INFERNALSK DYNAMIK:
1. En genstand i bevægelse er på vej i den forkerte
retning.
2. En genstand i ro er det forkerte sted.
En mundtlig kontrakt er ikke det papir værd den er
skrevet på.
Hvis du kan bevare roen når alle andre taber hovedet,
er det måske fordi du ikke har forstået situationen.
Hvert eneste menneskelige problem har en enkel,
smuk løsning. Og den er altid forkerte - H.L.Mencken.
Den vigtigste årsag til problemer er løsninger.
Spring aldrig buk med en enhjørning.
Hvis man har brug for n eksemplarer af noget,
råder man over n-1 eksemplarer.
Hvis et menneske ler af sin ulykke, mister det
en masse venner. De tilgiver aldrig deres tab af
fordel.
- H.L.Mencken
En idealist er en person der opdager at roser
dufter bedre end kål og derefter konkluderer at
de også er bedre til at lave suppe af.
- H.L.Mencken.
Hvis en person taler om sin kærlighed til fæd-
relandet, er det er sikkert tegn på at han eller
hun forventer at blive betalt for det.
- H.L.Mencken.
Demokrati er teorien om at almindelige mennesker
ved hvad de vil have og fortjener at få det.
- H.L.Mencken.
Bajonetter kan bruges til meget, men ikke til
at sidde på.
- Talleyrand.
Bevar naturen - sylt et egern!
Trepanering er hul i hovedet.
Kun døde fisk flyder med strømmen.
Rygere er også mennesker.
De er det bare ikke så længe.
Den der overvinder sig selv har krav på revanche.
Start dagen med et smil - så er det overstået.
Livet er en arvelig sygdom.
Selv en hypokonder kan blive syg.
De ydmyge skal arve jorden.
De tør nemlig ikke sige nej.
Når en person siger "Jeg er imod fri hash"
så mener han "Jeg sælger spiritus".
En bekendt er en man kender godt nok til at låne
penge af, men ikke godt nok til at man vil låne
vedkommende penge.
- Ambrose Bierce.
Reklame er kunsten at sætte den menneskelige intel-
ligens i stå længe nok til at få penge ud af den.
- Stephen Leacock.
En alkoholiker er en person man ikke kan lide,
som drikker ligeså meget som en selv.
- Dylan Thomas.
En statistiker er en person, som vil insistere
på at du gennemsnitligt har det helt fint, når
du står med det ene ben i fryseren og det andet
på en kogeplade.
En bank er en forretning, der låner dig en para-
ply på en solskinsdag og forlanger den igen når
det begynder at regne.
Folk vil tro på hvadsomhelst, hvis det morer dem,
passer i deres kram eller giver dem udsigt til
gevinst af en eller anden art.
- George Bernard Shaw.
På sit dødsleje testamenterede en mand sin søn
10.000 bøger. "Lån aldrig en eneste af dem ud,"
sagde han, "jeg har selv lånt dem alle sammen."
Neurotikeren bygger luftkasteller.
Psykotikeren bor i dem.
Og psykiateren indkasserer huslejen.
Vi må aldrig tro på vores egne metaforer.
- David Brin.
Optimisten hævder, vi lever i den bedste af alle
verdener. Pessimisten frygter han har ret.
Man skal ikke drikke på tom tegnebog.
Hvis alle byens biler blev placeret i ‚n lang
række - så ville klokken være 16.30.
At regere er kunsten at stjæle så mange penge som
muligt fra ‚n klasse for at give dem til en anden.
- Voltaire.
Kunst er det man ikke kan. Hvis man kunne,
var det jo ingen kunst.
- Storm P.
Kommer du ud for noget morsomt, så søg den
skjulte sandhed i det.
- George Bernard Shaw.
At vide hvad man ikke ved
er dog en salgs alvidenhed.
Piet Hein.
At vide hvor man får besked
er mere værd end det man ved.
- Piet Hein.
Fantasi er vigtigere end viden.
- Albert Einstein.
I sin majestætiske retfærdighed forbyder loven
både rige og fattige at sove under broer, tigge
på gaden og stjæle brød.
- Anatole France.
Livet er som en cirkus. Man kommer ind, bukker,
løber rundt, bukker og går ud igen.
- Storm P.
Livet er som en barneskjorte: kort og beskidt.
- Storm P.
Livet er som et løg: man skræller lag efter
lag af, og finder til sidst ud af at der ikke er
noget indeni. Og man græder hele tiden imens.
Der har endnu aldrig levet en filosof, der
med tålmodighed har udholdt tandpine.
- William Shakespeare.
Vis mig en kat der er god til at fange mus,
og jeg skal vise dig en kat med dårlig ånde.
- Garfield.
Vi er alle krummer i livets store kagedåse,
undtagen mig - jeg er en lækker lille chokolade-
marengs.
- Garfield.
Man bør ikke udsætte til imorgen, hvad
man kan få andre til at gøre idag.
Politiet er en trussel mod den frie verden.
- W.C.Fields.
Hvis det ikke lykkes første gang, så prøv igen
og så igen. Og hold så inde. Der er jo ingen
grund til at optræde som en komplet idiot.
- W.C.Fields.
Stol aldrig på en mand der ikke drikker.
- W.C.Fields.
Vis mig en mand der ikke drikker, og jeg
skal bevise at han er halvt kamel.
- W.C.Fields.
Jeg drikker aldrig vand. Fisk boller i det!
- W.C.Fields.
Jeg føler ofte, at jeg er den ensomme røst i
ørkenen. En ørken af tornebuske, bedemænd og hunde.
- W.C.Fields.
Hvert år den 18. august fejrer jeg mindet om
den dag jeg røg min første marijuana.
- W.C.Fields.
Imorgen er aflyst p.g.a. manglende interesse.
Idag er aflyst p.g.a. manglende energi.
En øl i hånden er bedre end to på taget
En hun i hånden er bedre end en hund på nakken